I saw on TV Fox News “The Bill O’Reilly” program showing the terrific breakthrough in wheelchair aid (treks) for returning injured troops who would find them essential for getting about. Guess what? This old man, 76 now, decided to put on his thinking cap and see just where this world was previously headed, is now headed, and will be headed if anyone grasps just what my current article touches on. To say that my idea is original is both right and wrong; it was an article I spotted in a local edition of the Times of Wayne County which prompted this bit of tongue in cheek wisdom and comedy like how the movies portrayed that rascal and demented soul, Herr Adolph Hitler. This local newspaper has gained enormous coverage throughout the towns it serves and has some very talented writers and I have become a reader.
Chuck Wells, TC, says the military is all wrong. Right on, baby! What he suggests is that we old guys should be the ones to go to war. The logic of his assertion is just this: We are cranky, irritable, impatient. We love guns. After all, many are vets and know how to shoot.
Fact is that with our tendency to have the shakes, I can imagine the spray of these modern machine guns would lay down a threatening barrage that few of the enemy could live through. It may just make them think that our outfit had more sharpshooters then we do. Shooting these terrorists would not bother us a bit because we classify them as mere garbage. It might even help our miserable temperaments improve.
There is nothing worse than a screaming, angry, constipated, Viagra loaded, prostate fighting machine! In all, there would be controllable fear because in the final analysis we would know we lived in the best of times and know in our hearts that those “good old days” were far better than these damned “golden years” crap the psychologists and medical boards have been feeding us for years.
Boot camp would be a toss with us experienced fighters of old and us guys and gals that came out of the trenches of corporate America, the bountiful farmlands. Our captains would be leaders of great experience in the world with lots of innovative ideas for combat type arms in the hands of our old time inventors. And we would be used to grumbling about the “shit on the shingles breakfasts and bad coffee.” We wouldn’t need much exercise and our training might encompass new uses for wheelchairs, canes, crutches, and our laundry would be made up of paper panties which would save on the water supply and drying time of our uniforms. Heck, we would not require many showers because we got used to the smell of not washing regular. The idea of obstacle courses would become obsolete because our odors combined with firepower would outrun the terrorist bastards.
What information could be given an enemy if captured? Lets face a hard truth–we old guys have short memories if any at all. Besides, for some of us, the marriage battles through the years would be spouseful verbal defense so no training would be required if interrogated. The experience on the playing field of life, whether it be golf, fishing, chess battles, or whatever, would give us a shield of defense that would be hard to crack. And this would be bolstered by us guys who were vets.
We would have little thought for sex like young soldiers do and able to concentrate on military logistics requiring little physical discipline.
There would be no problem arising for a new day. We piss so much that we are up a lot during the night with the prostate blues, visiting the commode. “Yes, sir! We’d have no problem eating our oatmeal and going out and shooting a terrorist and send him to the virgins. There is nothing more terrifying for us, sir, than the prospect of facing a bunch of eager virgins.”
We can endure long marches because we don’t need potty stops as our Depends wear don’t readily leak.
We old guys will be more aggressive tracking down terrorists as we know our best days are behind us. Maybe Obama taught us about following from behind! Anyway, what enemy would want to face this 100,000 made up of thousands of small units of pissed off old guys carrying automatic weapons and hand grenades who hate everyone and everything and have nothing to lose? Besides, the idea of death panels in ObamaCare only increases our desire to kill terrorists before they kill us. So, if we die on the field of battle, let it be remembered that our courage gave us lasting peace.